The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan (#3 in our series by John Bunyan) Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the header without written permission. Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is important information about your specific rights and restrictions in how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. **Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** **eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** *****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners Author: John Bunyan Release Date: September, 1996 [EBook #654] [This file was first posted on October 22, 1996] [Most recently updated: September 8, 2002] Edition: 10 Language: English Character set encoding: ASCII
Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by David
Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan
Or
A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him
Namely
In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the faith
of His blessed son Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly shewed,
what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, what various
temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried him through them.
A PREFACE
OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK. WRITTEN BY THE
AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY
TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD
Children, Grace be with you. Amen. I being taken
from you in presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty,
that from God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying
and building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my
soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting
welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of Shenir
and Hermon, so now from the lions’ dens, from the mountains
of the leopards (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all,
greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven.
I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I
stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the grace
and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed
upon you, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings and thirstings
after farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; your tenderness
of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also,
before both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; For ye
are our glory and joy. 1 Thess. ii. 20.
I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have taken
out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. xiv. 5-8. I have eaten
thereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when
we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson;
but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a
nest of honey within them.) The Philistines understand
me not. It is something of a relation of the work of God upon
my soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive
my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands make
whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, The
father to the children shall make known Thy truth. Yea, it
was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see
the fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, that I might fear
the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of His
wondrous works to my children. Psalm lxxviii. 3-5.
Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of Israel,
from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also that
they did remember their forty years’ travel in the wilderness.
Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee
these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove
thee, and to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldst
keep His commandments, or no. Deut. viii. 2.
Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish
it also; that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what
He hath done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.
It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very
beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to be much
observed unto the Lord, for bringing them out from the land of
Egypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of
all the children of Israel in their generations. Exod.
xii. 42. O my God (saith David), Ps. xlii. 6, my
soul is cast down within me; therefore will I remember
thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from
the hill Mizar. He remembered also the lion and the bear,
when he went to fight with the giant of Gath. 1 Sam. xvii.
36, 37.
It was Paul’s accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that,
when tried for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges
the manner of his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour,
in which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him.
When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far
into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to
remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though
they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works. Psalm
cvi. 11, 12.
In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the grace
of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it was above
my sins and Satan’s temptations too. I can remember my fears
and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the head of Goliah
in my hand: there was nothing to David like Goliah’s
sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels;
for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God’s
deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my great sins, of my
great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing for ever!
They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my great help, my
great supports from heaven, and the great grace that God extended to
such a wretch as I.
My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancient
times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune with your
own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12. Yea, look diligently, and leave
no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the treasure
of your first and second experience of the grace of God towards you.
Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember your
terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also your
tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for
mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to remember? Have
you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, the barn, and the
like, where God did visit your souls? Remember also the word,
the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope: if you
have sinned against light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are
drowned in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven
is hid from your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; but
out of them all the Lord delivered me.
I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations
and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of
God with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much higher
than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all
things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not
play in tempting of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the
bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me;
wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be plain and simple,
and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh it, let him receive
it, and he that doth not, let him produce a better. Farewell.
My dear Children,
The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be
merciful to you, and grant that you be not slothful to go in
to possess the land.
JOHN BUNYAN.
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR
SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN
In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it
will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you
a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness
and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified
before the sons of men.
2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a
low and inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of
that rank that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in
the land. Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble
blood, or of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all
things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this
door He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life
that is in Christ by the gospel.
3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness
of my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me
to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained,
according to the rate of other poor men’s children: though, to
my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, even almost
utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His gracious work of
conversion upon my soul.
4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without
God in the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of this
world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience.
Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be ‘taken captive by
the devil at his will,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with
all unrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and put forth
itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had
but few equals (especially considering my years, which were tender,
being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the
holy name of God.
5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they
became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness
considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood
he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify
me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent this and
the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while
asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still,
as I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could
never be rid.
6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled
with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing,
that it would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish
fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness,
unto the judgment of the great day.
7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten
years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many
sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often
much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not
let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life
and heaven, that I should often wish, either that there had been no
hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they were only tormentors;
that if it must needs be, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor,
than be tormented myself.
8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon
forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them,
as if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according
to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust,
and delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that
until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of
all the youth that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.
9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh
in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace
prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice,
but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws which
bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous
to me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should;
so that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian
piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I
said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge
of Thy ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all
good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind;
and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts.
O Lord, Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from
Thee!
11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with
the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness
of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things,
by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble.
As once above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet
hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had
so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.
12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not
now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy.
For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.
Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but, mercy
yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with
one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway,
so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having
stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her
sting out with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto
me, I might by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.
13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When
I was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place
to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired
to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place;
and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head
with a musket-bullet and died.
14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of
them did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still,
and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own
salvation.
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married
state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted
godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might
be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt
us both), yet this she had for her part: The Plain Man’s Pathway
to Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her father had
left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes read
with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing
to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She also
would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how
he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and among his
neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his days, both in
word and deed.
16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did
not reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet
they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because I
knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times;
to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost;
and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet
retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit
of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all
things (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what
else) belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were therein
contained, and especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without
doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought,
of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit,
that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in
his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and
knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing
them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and
have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did
so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another
thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites
or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar
people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs
be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved
about this question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked
my father of it; who told me, No, we were not. Wherefore
then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil
of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion
soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought
of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thus man,
while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity,
for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. x.
15.
20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his
subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking
that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding
my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially
that was the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fell
in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made
that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And at that time
I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but
then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home
when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.
21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights,
and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not,
for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and
my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this
trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might
sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature
with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom
of sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.
22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat,
and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to
strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into
my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or
have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to
an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked
up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding,
seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased
with me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment
for these and other ungodly practices.
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly,
this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set
my sins again before my face), That I had been a great and
grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look
after heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon
my transgressions. Then I fell to musing on this also; and
while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it should be so; I felt
my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore
I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case
be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins,
and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must
be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then
were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this
conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well remember,
that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that I was
persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get
in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think;
wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, still
studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness
of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its
delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I feared
greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither
do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with
all my heart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable,
forgive me my transgressions!
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil
is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to
over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing
of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair,
that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have
a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; for
they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go. Jer.
ii. 25, and xviii. 12.
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind,
still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would.
This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I
was standing at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and
swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate
within, the woman of the house, and heard me; who, though she also was
a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed
at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me;
and told me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing,
that she ever heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was
able to spoil all the youth in the whole town, if they come but in my
company.
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame;
and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while
I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart
that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me
to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so
accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation;
for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time
forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself
to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put
an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have authority;
now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than
ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither
did I leave my sports and plays.
29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor
man that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk
pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore
falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my
Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with
the historical part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such
like scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant,
either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of
Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words
and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven;
which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did
keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet
now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then
I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do
better next time, and there get help again; for then I thought I pleased
God as well as any man in England.
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours
did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did
marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and
manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace,
nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died,
my state had been most fearful.
32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,
from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly,
so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom
of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to
praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind
my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become
a right honest man. But oh! when I understood these were their
words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though
as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be
talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness,
and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken
of, by men: and thus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.
33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight
in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought
such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave
it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house,
and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become
religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but
quickly after, I began to think, how if one of the bells should
fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart
the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I might stand sure; but
then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might
first hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me for
all this beam; this made me stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought
I, I am safe enough; for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out
behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.
34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not
go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head,
how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may
for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake
my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but
was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.
35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I
could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this
or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought
was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with
myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate
it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please
God better than I.
36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant
of Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness;
and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my
state by nature.
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to Bedford,
to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came
where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the
sun, talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear
them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a
brisk talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say,
I heard but understood not; for they were far above, out of my
reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their
hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature;
they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord
Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted,
and supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they
reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular;
and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they
were borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their
own wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight
and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do
them any good.
38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak;
they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such
appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they
had found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt alone, and
were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb.
xxiii. 9.
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my
condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion
and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew
I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery
of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice
of them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were,
nor how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they
said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk
and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for
I was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was
convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also
because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of
him that was such a one.
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again
and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay
away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;
and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me,
at which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind,
ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was). The
one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused
me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted,
and the other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating
on it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or read
of.
42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like
an horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov.
xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the
kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows,
I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions,
nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though
I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth,
it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from
heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth
to heaven.
43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town,
to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being
a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now
shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year
after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how
he did: he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well.
But, Harry, said I, why do you curse and swear thus?
What will become of you, if you die in this condition?
He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company,
if it were not for such as I am?
44. About this time I met with some Ranters’ books,
that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also
highly in esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but
was not able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in
them, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would
betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am
a fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord,
leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn
this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it
be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul
in this matter only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly
beseech Thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this
while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time,
he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner
of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there
was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to
sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the
more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could
never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a
little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters.
Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith,
and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.
45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling
lying in the country, I happened to light into several people’s
company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept
away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of their
ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they only had
attained to perfection, that could do what they would and not sin.
Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young
man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designed
me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer
me to accept such cursed principles. And blessed be God, Who put
it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still distrusting
my own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer,
in His preserving me, not only from Ranting errors, but from those also
that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those
days.
46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new
eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of
the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was
then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still
crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and
glory.
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To
one is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word
knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc.
1 Cor. xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture
the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me
it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary,
even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.
On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this
word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I could not help it, but
sometimes must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath
to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall
count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an
ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding
that other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not altogether
faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn me, and
that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves
in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and
I was loath to fall quite into despair.
49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid
to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and
destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind
conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that
I could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge,
whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, But how
if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell you
have faith? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not,
I was sure to perish for ever.
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the
business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter,
was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no.
But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not
to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish
that rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.
51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my
plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter
broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came
in with this delusion, That there was no way for me to know I
had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those scriptures
that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his
temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between Elstow and Bedford,
the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some
miracle; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the puddles
that were in the horsepads, Be dry; and to the dry places,
Be you puddles: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed;
but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; But
go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able.
But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed,
and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding,
then to be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay,
thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.
52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only
had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that
for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were
ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and
my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I
could not tell what to do.
53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people
at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me,
I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there
refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was
shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and
dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that
did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly
desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the
very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their
sun.
54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again,
still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage,
by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some time:
at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way
in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being
very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain,
even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at
last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head,
and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body;
then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and
so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me:
The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone
thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were
therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation between
the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought,
was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv.
6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,
even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in
thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that
were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body
and soul and sin.
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which
time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked
to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit
in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home
or abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up
of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, O Lord, consider my
distress; for as yet I knew not where I was.
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion
that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here,
I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future
happiness; especially with such as these, whether I was elected?
But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?
58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;
sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first,
to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,
that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and
though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so
offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the
very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power
thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all
my desires; It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth;
but of God that showeth mercy. Rom. ix. 16.
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently
saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had
voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,
and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of
it. Therefore this would stick with me, How can you tell that
you are elected? And what if you should not?
How then?
60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may
be you are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I.
Why then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther;
for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is
no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, nor
of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.
61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not
knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I
little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it
was my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect
only attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close
withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.
62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted
and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink
where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been
so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving
up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell
with weight upon my spirit, Look at the generations of old,
and see; did ever any trust in God, and were confounded?
63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul;
for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin at
the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and
see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in
the Lord, and were confounded. So coming home, I presently
went to my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but
to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and
comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.
64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me:
Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where
it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that
such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength,
seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for
I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).
65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place;
but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found
it in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first,
did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience
of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially
when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call
holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance
of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and
I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still
at times shine before my face.
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me,
But how if the day of grace should be past and gone?
How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that
one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts
of this, But how if the day of grace is past? And
to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good
people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, that these being
converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts;
and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this
might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus
long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying
out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven
years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I
should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and
heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce
able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received
my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, Compel
them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet
there is room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words,
but especially those, And yet there is room, were sweet words
to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough
in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these
words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would
come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place
left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon
record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.
This I then verily believed.
69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty
while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus
should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words
on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose
speak them to encourage me withal.
70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations
I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but
I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and
of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view:
I would often also think on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said,
He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth.
Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his
portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all.
Which consideration was a great help to me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning
the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought those
beasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were
the people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the
children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts
chewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed
upon the word of God: they also parted the hoof. I thought
that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of
ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found,
that though we did chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked
with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the swine,
yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all
that, but unclean: for I thought the hare to be a type of those
that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine
was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth
the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation,
let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found
by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in
another world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking
of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits
of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things,
which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory,
which is in heaven above.
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what
to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called,
what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called
inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words
that spake of a Christian’s calling! as when the Lord said
to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and
oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run
after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in
my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a
time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see
at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented
without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold,
what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had
all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been
in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to
be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people
that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the
lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.
Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in
St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto Him
whom He would, and they came unto Him. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire
in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should
have no liking to me, for He called whom He would. But
oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart,
that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently
wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I
had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I
had been by and had heard Him when He called them, how would
I have cried, O Lord, call me also! But, oh!
I feared He would not call me.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together,
and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called
hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God,
that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that
word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have not
cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel iii.
21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still
upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time
might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people
in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had
heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to
talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think
from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should
hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls;
from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time
began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked
heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to
be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did
before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put
forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I
did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to
fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing
after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my
heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be
careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang
back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a
bird, to hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther
from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink
greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my
heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned
at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas!
I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any
of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean,
and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;
which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the
promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun
with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises:
and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were
against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under
a law that would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the
father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to
Him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn
by him, that he lay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke
ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself
up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief
to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that
too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord,
break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these
bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that
word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded
thee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never
more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take
a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now
was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to
speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly
did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry
bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God
and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,
yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon
me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had
been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present
me without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to
be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague
and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth
itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of
that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought
I was so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would
as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a
fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had;
I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil
himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.
I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair;
for I concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand
with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God;
sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus
I continued a long while, even for some years together.
85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw
old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should
live here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed
and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife,
child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little
things as these! What seeking after carnal things, by some, and
what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after,
and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I
to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul
is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but
sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but
with bread and water! I should count those but small afflictions,
and should bear them as little burthens. A wounded spirit who
can bear!
86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with
the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid
to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt
of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of
Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind,
than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should
cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was going
off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would
die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my
heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my
spirit; and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart,
but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and the application
of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for that scripture lay much
upon me, without shedding of blood is no remission.
Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was,
because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience,
would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble,
than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they
got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it was
not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more
wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry
to God the more, that it might not be so with me.
87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared
I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of
all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad
condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to
so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.
Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible
world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts,
birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not
a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were
not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced,
had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting
time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song,
Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art fair.
But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chief
and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text,
he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so
every saved soul, is Christ’s love, when loveless.
2. Christ’s love without a cause. 3. Christ’s
love, when hated of the world. 4. Christ’s love,
when under temptation and under destruction. 5. Christ’s
love, from first to last.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when
he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word
he said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ’s
love, when under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted
soul, when thou art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations,
and the hidings of God’s face, yet think on these two words,
‘My love,’ still.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my
thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart,
What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought
had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to
kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art My Dove,
twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed
stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet,
between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true,
but is it true? At which that sentence fell upon me,
He wist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel.
Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did
over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘Thou
art my Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from
My Love. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort
and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me;
yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember
I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have
spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very
crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable
to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness,
Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this
down before I go any farther; for surely I will not forget
this forty years hence. But, alas! within less than forty
days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question
all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a
true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of
the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after
this I was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon;
behold, Satan hath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes
it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly
after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder,
thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great
distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since,
to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint
me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood
it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud,
was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear
still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded
in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody
had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that
was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that
he that called so loud, meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason
of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent
from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,)
only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the
reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud,
should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before,
I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm
came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had
met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by
another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized
upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God,
Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great
confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such
as stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of
His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ?
And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning
story, than the holy and pure word of God?
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can
you tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their
Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is?
And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many
countries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the
right way to heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and that
we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed
therewith? Every one doth think his own religion
rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans; and
how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, should be but
a think so too?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,
and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them;
but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would
return again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of
Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very
deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up
to deceive with strong delusions: and also take the pains and
travel, to undo and destroy his fellows.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time
I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such
a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their
number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing
else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed
there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had,
in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with
them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I
felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them.
But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow
my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations
would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or
the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation,
I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to
speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the
scriptures.
101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil:
at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for
instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have
but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought
or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did
think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love,
nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded
that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved
God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon
me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy
hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country.
Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in
the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away.
I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him:
and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his.
1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was
the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me
to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must
not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would
serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such
a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word,
whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation
upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin,
to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts
at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole
or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.
104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and
counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than
this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea,
gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew
they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or
sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt
this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow
was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.
That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these
distractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it
cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There
is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. lvii.
20, 21.
105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would
have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor
sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think
that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their
sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others
again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of
God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk
me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail
my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction.
Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had been
hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold
me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden
thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so
strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have
neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence
that but now I have read.
107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time;
sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes:
he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done,
break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still
drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked
thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought
sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou wilt fall down
and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.
108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time
of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God;
then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and
confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and
fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should
pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold
my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to
nothing else but to these, or such as they.
109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.
But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible
groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry
with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I
should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think
that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience
of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me,
as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it on
such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thou deceived!
It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest.
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements
as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame
shall not last always: many have been as hot as you for a spurt, but
I have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who were
fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid
that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my
mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. Though
you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will
cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little.
What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling
your heart, if I can do it at last? Continual rocking
will lull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will
have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present,
I can pull you from this fire; I shall have you cold before it
be long.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I
at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought,
to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget
all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of
heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out
of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not
at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon
it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26), in which
days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a
while:- I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc.,
shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in
Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now
I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were
then all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii. at the first was
something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter;
that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet
we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of my youth,
and shall return unto Him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:
For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that we
might be made the righteousness of God in Him. I
remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house,
and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and
as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to say that, who
have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal
life? That word came suddenly upon me, What shall we say
to these things? If God be for us, who can be against
us? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, Because
I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. But
these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet
when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter’s
sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again.
Acts x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover
Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the
guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from
the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put
into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country,
and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering
the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind,
Having made peace through the blood of His cross.
Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and again,
that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the
justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other,
through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never
forget it.
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was
musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto
me, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh
and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that
through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that
is the devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all
their lifetime subject to bondage. Heb. ii. 14, 15.
I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that
I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief
and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford,
whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability.
This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from
all those false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to.
He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon
trust; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily
to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us
down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he,
if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you
not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find
you want that help and strength now to resist, that once you
thought you had.
118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and
latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience,
the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say,
especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord,
but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul,
through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to
pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and
my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation
thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding difference
betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of God
in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned,
and according to man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s
being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by
God! Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His
accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was
very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that
I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was
pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord
Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence,
from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God,
in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even
to His second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him
born, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through
this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came,
I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for
my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress,
that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter.
1 Peter i. 12, 20.
121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection,
and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I have
seen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that
He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes.
John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the
right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His
coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed
in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii.
56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17,
18.
112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man
as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let
men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven,
all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of
God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not
tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind:
And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and of
the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb,
as it had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought
I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood;
but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and
gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help
me much in this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given;
and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall
be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting
Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6.
123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord
made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the
errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the
Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it,
by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.
124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-
‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.
‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ,
grace, faith, etc.
‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred
years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.
‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the
saints.
‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried
in the church-yard, shall not arise again.
‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.
‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two
thieves, on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem,
was not ascended above the starry heavens.
‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by
the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge
all nations,’ etc.
125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented
by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures,
and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but
greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt
of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood
of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too
sweetly, according to the scripture. O friends! cry to God
to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like
Him.
126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular,
how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did,
that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did
open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to
dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His
own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.
127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that
in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer
me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal
them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even
crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the
death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that
I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience,
where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest
and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.
128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from
heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight.
Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of
grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last
day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and
joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose
face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my
sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth
of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not,
when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that
I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul
might be gone to rest.
129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations,
I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience,
who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who
had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me)
that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through
the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections
as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves
into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the
God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand
(one day) a book of Martin Luther’s; it was his Comment
on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall
piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased
much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I
had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience
so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out
of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, This
man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now,
but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate
of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and
the like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil,
death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first,
was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so
indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks
I must let fall before all men - I do prefer this book of Martin
Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible) before
all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly:
Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him;
I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I
thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find,
that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought,
such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very
trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man.
Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered
me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly
in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation
and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through
Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous
and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ,
to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing.
The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me
so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not
sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who
were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had
seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall
not be sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God. Lev.
xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that
I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ,
a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost
none others, but such blasphemous ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any
desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate
the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in
almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort,
that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or
cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would
come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him,
sell Him.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little
as a hundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: against
which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand
as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply,
before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that
might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe
I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack
for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should
at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that
by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this
wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way
of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as
fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I
will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands
of worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these
assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew
where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet;
but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence
to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also
would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself,
Now I am at meat; let me make an end. NO, said he, you
must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ.
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the
sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God),
I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as
guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had
broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was,
as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, To
sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in
my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as
fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other
times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands,
at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even
until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my
heart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, that I felt
my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan!
Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is
shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.
Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows,
with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for
the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now,
past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Or
profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright:
for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the
blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment
to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but
damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would
abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the
sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my
legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together.
But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking
under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning
myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me,
suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The blood of Christ remits
all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that
this word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanseth
us from all sin. 1 John i. 7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I
saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed
of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the
blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared
to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or
stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see.
This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours;
in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering
for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit,
under exceeding guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau’s
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long,
all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down,
so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive
to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would
be sounding in me; For ye know, how that afterwards, when he would
have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in
Luke xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not;
but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered
my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be
the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now
was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the
nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God,
if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence,
by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that
of Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons
of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme.
Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious
promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more
fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly
to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as
there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light
and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted
Christ as I had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might
be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But
he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness,
but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29.
And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in
the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he would
have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place
of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And
this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor
did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and
yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody
but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own!
For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that
it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be
saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing
a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should
be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against
my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces,
than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and
wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought
had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh!
thought I, that it were with me as in months past, as in the
days when God preserved me! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to
compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those
that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David’s
adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those
too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering
that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses,
from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver
him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof;
I had sold my Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so
void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin
but this? Must it needs be the great transgression?
Ps. xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul?
1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?
but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s
mercy; and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that?
Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for
which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy
sin! Oh! unhappy man! These things would so
break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought
at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my
misery, that would run in my mind, You know, how, that afterwards,
when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected.
Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.
154. After this I began to consider of Peter’s
sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came
nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour,
as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning
given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;
and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all
these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet
I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master,
but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought
with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David
or Peter.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me;
yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation
of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering
of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could
evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness,
and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation
that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them
walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection,
and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature;
yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without
the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would
not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate,
to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak
of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though
not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of
those whom the Lord had blessed.
157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences
and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all
the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them
to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them;
and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not
destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them
in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what
care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the
most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people!
He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, fall;
but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell
for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved;
these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in
safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the
Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror
to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If
I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought
of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things
wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the
called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought
for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.
158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,
that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in
truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it,
though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul
in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally,
but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed
with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all
this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from
trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau’s fall
in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas’s sin was,
for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the
circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly
gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than
one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees
of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I
yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never
be passed by.
160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly
man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the
saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see
a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel
my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now
I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a
good conscience before Him.
161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving
some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day
of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such
grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: For if these things
should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you
ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment
yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damning
out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions
that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves withal.
162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart,
how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!
methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already;
so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks,
I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ;
he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness,
and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair
was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away
from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come
in, ’Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall;
not to my correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and
I know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright,
be would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About
this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal
Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when
rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan
of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his
tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his
twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty
hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul;
especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows
the beginning of sin? but who bounds the issues thereof?
Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like
an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you know how that
afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought
it carefully with tears.
164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling,
insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my
very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of
this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned
that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging
and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially
at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought
of that concerning Judas, who by falling headlong, he burst asunder
in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out. Acts i.
18.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set
on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load
of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel.
Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon
me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand,
nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He
hath received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm lxviii. 18.
The rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were
under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn
subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this,
thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served
Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Him
go, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not
for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold
thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived
by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force
beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by that
place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints
in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began
to think with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together,
and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?
for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal
to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough
in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine,
though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs.
Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon,
of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders;
and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and
heighten their sins by several circumstances.
169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to
cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon;
a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance,
which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would
turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which
there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the
Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving
strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples,
in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received:
but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration,
cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against
the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour,
and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh;
how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also
observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard,
had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice
to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the
blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of
a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They are none
of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you
have sold your Saviour.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my
sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at
that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go,
if He will. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins
of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable;
nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went
them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face
of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His
hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the
living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace,
that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me,
I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions;
and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed
thee. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon
my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from
His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of
His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, Return
unto Me; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, Return
unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, this would make
me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind
me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with
a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be
clouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know, how that
afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found
no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried,
Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to
close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other,
as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, For you know that
afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected, etc.
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s
shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself
with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting
also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin,
greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart,
that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost,
the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear,
suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise
of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking,
Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?
and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened
to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart
answered groaningly, No. Then fell, with power, that word
of God upon me, See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh.
Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it
brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those
tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds,
to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed
me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me,
that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul;
yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind
of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the
heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.
But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was,
I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty
years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then
what here I should be loth to speak. But verily that
sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it,
and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this
I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might
be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was,
and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ
for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not
yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at
first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be
thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my
salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing
I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether
inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate
the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour
of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and
to despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing
which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast
itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh!
’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ
for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard
work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so
vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God
by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing.
Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am
now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed
but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because
this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but
one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg
that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy
upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested
to me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not
for any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I had
rejected the Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance
to God the Father; and without Whom, no prayer could
come into His presence: wherefore now to pray, is but
to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast
you off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you
ever did before.
177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for
these several years already, because you are none of His; your
bawlings in His ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him;
and therefore He let you sin this sin, that you might be quite
cut off; and will you pray still? This the devil urged,
and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to the
children of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess
the land, when God would have them, therefore for ever after
He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might
with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man
that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that
he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when
he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc.
These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I
thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once
be said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer.
This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because,
together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set
at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree
of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how
hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me,
but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled
in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me,
that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the
prophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this people,
for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, Pray
not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that He had
whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me
so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it
would make me quite beside myself: Man knows the beginning of sin
(said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to
an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that
I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he
told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold
comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good
man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went
to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,
That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked
Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul
and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way;
and that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator
betwixt His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again,
and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed
saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is
of one mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy
to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible,
besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This
was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and
persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation.
And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there
salvation in any other; for there is none other name under heaven
given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv.
12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel,
were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the
thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had
cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it,
to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that
I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness,
gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations,
comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still
unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would
make place